


i'm already gone

by qetbackhonkycat



Category: Ghosts (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:49:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26796142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qetbackhonkycat/pseuds/qetbackhonkycat
Summary: he finds a letter
Relationships: The Captain/William Havers
Comments: 10
Kudos: 119





	i'm already gone

**Author's Note:**

> hello. 
> 
> bit different to what i normally write. I'm not one for angst.  
> but the 'i say, havers?' group chat inspired me so thanks guys, hope y'all enjoy ;')
> 
> I'm not going to lie to you, this feels kind of rushed (I'm also very bad at descriptive text) so please do let me know what you think 
> 
> enjoy!

Alison is clearing up old rooms. She woke up that morning and decided she was fed up of things being dusty. It was completely unlike her, but someone has got to do it. If they were to continue holding weddings and other events, the whole house can't look like ghosts inhabit it.

She starts with Kitty's room, then Mary's - not moving anything, she knows how that will end, especially in Fanny's. She just dusted, gave everything a bit of life, which made herself laugh. Mike would have liked that. 

Then she moved onto The Captain's. She was extremely careful not to move anything, knowing how particular he is with everything.   
There was a chest of drawers in the corner which looked like it hadn't been touched probably since forever. 

As suspected, they all had an inch of dust inside, as she pulled each drawer out. Reaching the bottom left, she pulled it out, as she had done the rest, and felt something fall down the back.

With a slight struggle, she managed to retrieve it from the back, and pulled it out into view.

It was an envelope, an incredibly dusty envelope, with the initials _E.W._ on the front.  
Alison brushed her thumbs over the font and turned it over. It hadn't been opened, still sealed. She was about to open it when Mary came in the room, screaming about something Alison hadn't quite yet managed to interpret.

"Ugh, I'm coming. I'm coming!" She gets up, letter in hand, and places it on the side.

\---

The Captain comes to inspect his room, to make sure everything is still in order. Alison assured him she wouldn't touch or move anything that didn't need to be touched but he wanted to make sure anyway - a soldier's eye.

He takes a few steps and immediately notices something out of place, something new on the chest of drawers.

_E.W._

He freezes. 

He knows that hand. He knows the penmanship from just two initials - his own initials.

He dare not move. 

"Oh, Captain, you're in here. I hadn't finished cleaning-"

He still doesn't move, not even to the sound of Alison's voice behind him. He's completely frozen. 

"I assume that's something to do with you. I didn't know who's-"

"Please can you open it, Alison." He doesn't look up, doesn't move an inch. 

"Y-yes, of course." His voice is like nothing she's ever heard from him before. She walks over to him, opens the letter flat, on the drawers. There's only one page so she decides she doesn't need to stay. She takes a step back and touches his shoulder lightly. "I'll be downstairs if you need anything."

He doesn't say anything. Alison leaves.

The Captain blinks. He breathes. He begins. 

_Dearest E,_

_I didn't want to be writing this to you. I didn't want to take pen to paper, to go through this, to write my emotions on a page. I am leaving. As much as I wish this was not the case, I am. I have to._

_I want to be on the front. I want to do something. Now, do not misinterpret. We do good things here, at Button House but don't you wish you were doing something? Doing something to show your effort you're making for the war?_

_I know what your answer is, I already know and that is why this is so difficult, why I need to leave._

_We've had some good times, haven't we? Training together on the grounds, late night talks in your office and drinking the emergency stock of whiskey. I shall miss you. I shall miss you, dearly, and that is why it is so hard to write this and to tell you the truth._

_I cannot wait for you any longer._

_I cannot sit and wait for something that might or might not be. I cannot hang on to a slither of hope that you feel the same, tiny pieces that might indicate you reciprocate my feelings._

_Your rank is much more important to you than your emotions. I feel as though we are getting somewhere, I'm finally breaking through the hard exterior of The Captain, to be so close, but to then be shot down and that is why I must go._

_That is why I must leave you._

_Take care of yourself. Please._

_Forever yours,_

_W.H._

He can't quite remember at what part of the letter he started feeling the pricking at his eyes. He can't quite remember when the tears began to fall, but they did. 

_Undelivered._

He decided not to pass it on to him. 

The Captain wonders whether he wrote it once he got to the front line, or whether he wrote it before he left, wanting to give him it at their last meeting, the same as himself. 

Maybe if he'd have delivered his own letter, Havers would never have left that day. 

_Havers._

He hadn't thought of the name in a while. He'd repressed it and everything to do with that name. It became less and less frequent over the years. The thoughts. The thoughts of him, the could-have-beens. 

_Havers._

He says it aloud that time. It feels strange on his tongue, almost foreign. 

He feels the beginning of sobs, but wills himself not to cry. He knows if he allows himself to cry, he will not stop. He is a soldier. He lost many men in that battle, this was just one more. 

He does cry then. Sobs. Havers was not just one more man. He was everything. He was everything and he never had the courage to admit it to him, or even himself.

He pauses, after minutes of crying. He composes himself and wonders why the letter was never delivered. 

Maybe they were one in the same, him and Havers.

Cowards. 

Oh, how he wishes Havers had never left, never had left _him._

He wishes and wishes.

"I couldn't wait for you any longer." He hears a voice behind him.

The Captain takes a minute. He takes a minute to register what he heard, whether it's his fragile mind playing tricks. 

He slowly turns around.

"I couldn't wait for you any longer." 

Clearer this time. As was the man standing in front of him. 

"I couldn't watch you push me away. I couldn't let you pretend you didn't feel something, when I know you did. I had to go. But, God, how I wish I didn't. How I wish I'd have stayed with you."

He was sobbing now. The Captain was sobbing, in front of his Lieutenant. His Lieutenant who just offers him a slight smile - not one of pity, but kindness. It was always kindness.

"I never gave you it, as you now know. I couldn't bear to give you those words. They were too harsh, too cruel. They were written in a rage, and it would have been so terribly unfair of me to leave you with that guilt. So I carried it with me instead - the guilt. The guilt of leaving you, when all I ever wanted to do was stay, to be with you." 

The Captain sniffs, clears his throat and stands up straight. 

Havers just stares, trying to gauge what The Captain is thinking. There is a long pause.

"I'm sorry. William, I am so sorry."

That's all it takes for Havers to come crashing into The Captain. He wraps his arms around him, The Captain following suit. 

The Captain grabs at the material of Havers' uniform as though his life depends on it, as though if he was to let go, Havers would fade away from out of his grasp. 

"No need to be sorry now. Enough time has passed. That's all over." Havers has his face pressed against The Captain's cheek. It's not comfortable for either of them. They're holding on so tightly to each other.

The Captain almost curses for forgetting himself but he knows if he backs away from this, there's a chance he may lose Havers again and so he goes all in - all in with his heart and mind. 

"I had a letter. I had it in my pocket, ready to give to you on the day you left, in my office. I was too much of a coward to act on it, too much of a coward to act on any of it." 

"Hush. That doesn't matter now. I'm here, you're here. Look." He separates them, so he can look into The Captain's eyes. He holds them apart to prove that this is really happening. "This. Together." 

"Together." It's all The Captain manages to say.

Havers ushers The Captain to the edge of the bed. They both sit, facing each other. 

Havers reaches his hand out carefully to take The Captain's in his. The Captain is hesitant, but he accepts. 

"I am so terribly sorry you had to read that letter. I really am so terribly sorry. It wasn't the best of me."

"I know that." Despite his words, Havers can see The Captain looks broken. 

"Yes, I waited for you. I waited for you for so long, little did we both know it would be as long as this." Havers tries to laugh, and looks at The Captain. The Captain looks up and all he has is sadness in his eyes.   
"I left you alone. I could never forgive myself for doing that. I left because I could not bear the thought of you not returning my sentiments. If there was a chance of that, I couldn't bear it and so I left you. I thought about that for the rest of my short life, and the rest of my incredibly long death."

The Captain let out a long breath.

"I returned your sentiments, of course I did. I could just never bring myself to say the words out loud, bring myself to act upon it. You were well within your rights to leave. There was no point in waiting around for a hardened fool."

Havers looked at him, truly looked at him. The Captain was looking at their hands intertwined. He looked so alone, and Havers felt a bit of his heart break.

"I love you." That's really all he could think of to say.

The Captain looked up.

"I love you." Havers said again. "I love you. I haven't stopped loving you. I loved you then, I loved you when I left. The only difference is, I can say it openly now."

The Captain breathes out. Havers continues.

"You don't have to say it back. I know it must be hard for-"

"I love you." 

It's quiet, it's small, but it's there and Havers thinks he's mishearing things. 

"I love you, William. Always have. I was just too afraid to show it, to let you know. Too afraid to let myself know."

"Hush. That doesn't matter any longer."

Havers shuffles along the bed slightly and meets The Captain's forehead with his own. He now takes both The Captain's hands in his and sighs. 

"Ted, I am here with you now, for as long as you'll have me. No more waiting. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

The Captain moves from that position to put his head on Havers' shoulder and holds him closer. He breathes out everything he's been holding so close to his chest for all these years.

_He loves him._

_No more waiting._


End file.
